Return to what? To God and to our best selves. We review our lives and behavior over the last year and we make amends with God, with ourselves and with those we have harmed along the way. We set our intention to be better people over the course of the coming year. We set new targets and promise to try harder to hit the mark, admitting we may have missed the mark this past year.

In the process, we rededicate ourselves to our relationship with God. We deepen our bond or our relationship with the One who is within and without, We aksi ask for forgiveness and for another year of life as well as for our personal prayers to be answered during the course of the year.

Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi teaches that the High Holy Day period—from Rosh Hashanah through Yom Kippur, the Day of Repentance, all the way through until Sukkot, the Feast of Tabernacles—our prayers, rededication and teshuvah build the “God-field” for the coming year.  This God-field, which is the permeable membrane between the Infinite and finite, is not the Divine itself but rather the form in which the Infinite comes to us.

Rabbi Marcia Prager recently wrote about this teaching of Reb Zalman’s and explained that it’s important to pray with love and inclusiveness, allowing your human consciousness to attract the flow of Divinity and then to return the flow with love and dedication to its Source. By becoming an open channel for Source energy in this manner, we co-create the God-field, Reb Marcia explained. In this way, we create loving harmony with one another, becoming better stewards of the earth and healers of the environment and society. “Then we will see our prayers work and produce the goods results we pray for,” she says.

I found this teaching from Reb Marcia and Reb Zalman quite striking, since it is much like what I write about in The Kabbalah of Conscious Creation. When we create from the place of wanting to give as well as receive, our desires (prayers) become manifest.

However, it’s important also to connect with God, to feel the permeability of the membrane we call the God-field. When we can feel that the Infinite and the finite, Creator and created, Giver and receiver are not separate at all—in fact are one—then we do indeed, find our prayers answered.

May we all have our prayers answered this Rosh Hashanah and in the New Year…and may we all feel our connection with Source.

L’shana  tova. Happy New Year.

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Today I’m sitting in the airport getting ready to return to California after delivering my daughter to New York and moving her into her dorm at New York University. It feels lonely traveling back alone; we arrived together. I looked at the big city becoming smaller in the rear view window as the driver took me to the airport and thought about leaving my baby girl there. I had to remind myself through the tears that she isn’t so little any more.

Every woman I have talked to has her own separation story about parting from a child on that first day of college. Each one cried. Even my sister who only took her two boys across town to college said she felt emotional…I thought that odd, but her boys had never even gone away to camp. (My children have gone away to camp for as long as eight weeks, but they were just two hours away.)  My good friend said she cried a little each day for months; her son was her only child. In his third year of college, she still travels with him to move him into his dorm and then cries when she says goodbye—and misses him terribly when she gets home.

I started crying at least two weeks before my daughter and I got on a plane. I didn’t realize her leaving would affect me so dramatically. I’ve always been stoic about the kids going to camp and such. I felt a bit sad, but I was happy for us all to have a “break.” I enjoyed them learning to be independent. I rejoiced in their ability to be away from me. This—her being a country’s width away from me—feels a bit different. This will take some adjustment.

She cleaned her room before she left. When I get home I’ll find it neat and tidy, devoid of her. My sister said that would be hard. I know it will be. I’ll straighten it up some more and have the cleaning lady dust and vacuum—even her loft—so it will be perfect when she returns at Christmas break. And I’ll cry because she’s not in it now.

But as I write this she responded to a text message I sent her from the taxi saying goodbye and telling her I loved her. She says she’s happy, loves it at NYU and is making friends. And I know that she is as ready as any child can be to be a university student. She’s been read for at least six months.

The first night she was there she attended a loft party. When it was over she sent a text message—on her own—telling me she had met two nice (Jewish!) boys and they had all gone swimming in Washington Square fountain. “I win,” she wrote.

Knowing how she had struggled for 10 days prior to coming with the fact that she and her boyfriend had decided to break up prior to starting their college careers, I rejoiced in her new positive experience. “What do you win?” I texted back. “A date to High Holy Day services?”

“I win at life,” she texted back.

With that message I knew she’d truly begun her life away from me and away from home. All I needed to do was to throw my arms up and rejoice as she had done in that fountain.

So, I patted myself on the back and said, “Job well done, Nina. You win at life, too.” And I was happy for her. And I’m sure I’ll be happy, too…after I finish feeling sad about not seeing her until Parent’s Day in October. I keep reminding myself that she’s been away at camp for that long. It’s a bit different though when you have counselors watching your kid’s every move…I’ll get over it, though. All parents do. (Except the one I was told sold her house and moved to the town where her daughter was attending college.) We grow up, too, and adjust—just not quite as quickly as our children. I guess that’s when we need to start learning from them rather than them learning from us.

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I missed my children when they went off to camp, even shed a brief tear, but always felt happy for them and for myself. They would have a fun experience and I would have a small “vacation.”

I’ve talked about my daughter going off to college for a year or more now. I’ve been excited for her. I know she’s ready for college…more ready than most kids her age. Yet, now that the time has come to say goodbye to her, I’m not ready.

How can that be? After all these years when I’ve allowed my kids–even pushed my kids and encouraged my kids–to be independent and enjoyed their independence with them, I’m not ready for her to be quite so independent. I’m the one who always says it’s the mark of a good parent when I child is raised to be independent. That’s what you want, not some 18 year old (or even a 12 year old) who is tied to his or her mother’s apron strings. But what if I’m tied to hers?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a mother with nothing to do once my nest has been emptied of chicks (pardon the mixed metaphors). I can easily fill my time. I just didn’t realize how empty it would feel with even one chick having let the nest.

Yes, I’ll miss my daughter. She’s a quite one, but the house will be much quieter without her. And I must figure out how to cut the apron string, how to stay in the nest while she spreads her wings and flies.

And maybe that’s the trick…Each time a chick leaves the nest the mother bird must spread her wings a bit wider as well, not just so her reach is longer but so she can test her strength and her ability for new doing new things as well.

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In the midst of this, I’m struggling to acclimate myself into my own life and marriage after almost two months way with my son. I’m also attempting to find meaning and purpose in all that I do as I find that I have lost myself and much of what has made me feel passionate and happy over the years.

Midlife crisis? Maybe. Possibly just a reality check.

The emptiness I have been feeling was driven home as I watched my children so filled with emotion–sadness, fear, excitement, sorrow. They are leaving things behind and staring anew. They have their lives stretched ahead of them. They are growing and changing. So much awaits them.

As I cried with them, felt their pain and sorrow, trembled at their fear, I realized their emotions resonated so much with me because I wanted to feel as passionately…about anything….about something…about someone.

I haven’t read or seen Eat, Love, Pray, but I recently saw the movie trailer. I cried my way through that, too. I realized I must go at least see the movie. (I won’t give myself the task of buying another book I have no time to read…) I am that woman…well, maybe not in all ways, but in many. No wonder the book was such a big hit; how many women related to the story?

This week I got out my Tony Robbins 30-day tape series once again. I’ve never once finished it. I only completed one tape this week, but I’ll plug away at it and allow him to try and motivate me to change. On that first day, I swore I’d exercise more; I only managed one day. I will do two next week at least, and even one day is better than none. I promised myself I’d write more often (on my books), and I didn’t manage to do so even once…but I will! I will.I started reading Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, which has been on my shelf for years. Maybe her questions will help me stop struggling. I also put one of the spiritual books I started a while ago on my nightstand…

The Jewish High Holy Days are fast approaching. This is a good time for introspection and considering how to improve oneself and one’s life as well. The energy of change is in the air in the autumn. It’s time to turn over a new life and to turn back–to return–to your true self, your best self. That’s what I need. I’ve almost forgotten who she is.

I may not follow through with all of these new “programs”; of course, I have too many and not enough time for them all. Maybe one of them will inspire me…or even two. Maybe something will stick and help me create some change or spark a bit of passion within.

Change comes little by little. It’s a process. But when we realize it’s time to make a change, we must follow the call. We must DO something to help it along, to fan the fire so it doesn’t smolder and go out.

I see the changes in my children’s lives–even the painful ones. I’m willing to even feel pain, but change must come. And change always begins within. The time has come.

Has it come for you?

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Be not like a fly seeking sore spots.
Cover up your neighbor’s flaws, and reveal them not to the world.

This saying, which comes from a traditional Jewish ethical text, always conjures up somewhat nasty images in my head of wounds covered with flies. Yet, it’s a potent image–and effective.

I try to remember this advice in two types of situations: when I am focused on someone’s flaws rather than their positive attributes and when I am inclined to say negative things about someone or something to others.

In the first case, focusing on someone’s flaws only makes us see more flaws. This never helps a relationship. It’s best to try and focus on the positive when we find ourselves in the downwards spiral of negativity.

In the second case, speaking poorly of anyone or anything tends to come back to haunt us. It’s best to simply speak well of others or to not speak about them at all.

Interestingly, human nature seems to pull us towards negative speech and to focus on the negative qualities of others—especially when a relationship is going sour. And this holds true for all types of relationships—romantic, business, etc.

I wonder why that is, why we have such a need or desire to focus on the negative in others and to speak about it, to broadcast it to the world. The most obvious answer is that this makes us feel better about ourselves—less flawed. Another answer is that other people’s flaws mirror our own, so we point out theirs rather than look at ourselves in the mirror; we avoid our own reflection by only seeing them.

Whatever the reason, it’s best to remember not to seek out sore spots. Even if you can’t stop focusing on someone’s flaws (Of course, keep trying!), do them a favor and at least don’t “reveal them to the world.” Take a good look at yourself—in them—and imagine how you would feel if someone uncovered rather than covered up your flaws.

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Judaism teaches that we should avoid anger at all costs. In all the spiritual and metaphysical circles I have traveled, the same holds true. We are taught  that as a negative emotion, anger just begets negative results in our lives and in the world around us. We don’t help ourselves or anyone else when we feel or express anger.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov taught that anger stirs up negative energies in the upper worlds who come down and take charge of the angry person. In the process, the person loses his wisdom and power and places himself at the mercy of these negative forces. Additionally, anger causes a person to lose wealth. (So, don’t get angry over your financial situation or it will get worse!) Feeling angry actually causes  the blessing of wealth to be taken away and causes a “stain” on your soul, said Rebbe Nachman.

So, how do we change our anger and the conditions that come with it? According to the great Rebbe, we must love. We must be kind to others, thus drawing on the energy of the righteous and positive energies in the upper worlds. By doing so, we will see that the real reason we are here in this world is to do good–to give. Our understanding and wisdom will increase, making it harder for us to feel angry. Through this increased wisdom, the emotion of love increases and we create less space for anger; we will feel more peaceful.

We also can learn to not act upon our anger, holding it in and being patient and understanding, said Rebbe Nachman. This, supposedly brings blessing upon us. Indeed, in this way we actually help create a world in which the Messiah can exist, thus helping to herald in the World to Come, or peace on Earth–a world with no anger.

Today I felt very angry. Reviewing Rebbe Nachman’s teachings about anger helped me let go of that anger to some extent. I’ll be working on releasing this negative emotion through love and kindness the rest of the day, I’m sure. I might try some exercise as well. Rebbe Nachman suggests fasting as well, actually stating that ridding yourself of anger provides the main value of a fast; I choose not to fast, however. What do you do to get rid  of your anger?

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And I weep with her. Her pain is mine. And I can’t take this one away. Unlike a skinned knee, fever or headache, I can’t make this better. I can tell her why I think she is making the right decision and how she will eventually learn to live with it—and how hopefully she will find someone else and create an even better loving relationship—but none of this makes her feel any better.  The more she hurts, the more I hurt.

I remember her pain. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived it. It was long ago, but I remember well. I’d do anything to take it away. Yet, I wouldn’t have had her miss out on these four months, no matter how ill timed. Nor would she change that, give up that time, that experience.

So, I can only watch, listen, offer words of comfort and wisdom (knowing they help little), provide a shoulder upon which she can cry, and offer hugs when she wants them. And I can cry with her.

I can understand her anger. “I can yell at God,” she says, as she admits her anger does no good.

I wonder, too, at the seemly cruel timing of the relationship, but I must believe God has a plan. I must believe God has a reason—a positive one at that. And I hope God’s hand will reach out and comfort her in the weeks and months ahead when I cannot and her boyfriend cannot.  And may it be His will that she understand the reason for all of this sooner than later.

In the meantime, I suffer with her…a mother’s plight. And I try to help her see the positive, focus on the future, feel the excitement of all that lies ahead of her—her whole future.

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It’s easy to miss these phases if we don’t pay attention. It’s easy to see them in retrospect. When we look backwards we can construct a timeline with all the phases of our life. In the moment, we may not realize we have been living in a phase, a period. When it ends, though, we may feel it distinctly.

I feel I am ending a phase and beginning a new one. As I write this I’m on my way back from New York City after seven weeks with my son. He was attending a dance program there and I was working and chaperoning. I’m heading home to spend a few weeks with my daughter before she heads off to college. Not only is my New York City summer phase ending, my daughter-at-home stage is ending.

Plus, I’m almost six months into my 50^th year of life. I feel change reverberating through me. I feel it settling in. I feel myself re-evaluating, figuring out what this next period of my life should look like. I feel the effort I’ve been making on the work front possibly paying off. I feel myself getting ready…for what?

We change over time. Sometimes we lose ourselves. We get lost in our phases. Then we have to uncover ourselves, find ourselves again. Discover ourselves, discover our phases. Sometimes we find ourselves in our phases.

No matter what, life provides us with one phase after another, one melding one into the other or distinctly following another. Can you identify the phase you are in?

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Slowly, slowly I made my way to the top of the pole, the first exercise, and then navigated my way onto a little metal platform where I then stood like the ornament on a totem pole.  I remember the fear I felt as I climbed and the terror I felt when trying to get my feet onto that platform and then raise my body to a standing position.  Once I was standing there so high above the ground, however, I discovered that I really was not that afraid of heights.  In fact, being up there was an exhilarating experience.  Not only had I overcome my fear of heights, I felt great that I had accomplished the climb – which is not to say that it wasn’t still scary standing there atop that pole but the fear felt less like fear and more like awe.  I was in awe of myself and in awe of the experience itself.

I could have given in to my fear and never even tried to climb the pole.  I could have stood there and trembled.  I could have been too scared to come down. Instead I choose to climb despite my fear and to look upon the experience with awe and a sense of tremendous accomplishment.

Ropes courses are all about learning how you react to life on a daily basis.  While we don’t usually have to climb a tall pole in our normal life, we are often faced with obstacles or situations that bring up our feelings of fear.  In these situations, we have the same choices – climb or don’t climb, feel fear or feel awe, feel defeated or feel determined to accomplish the goal.

Life is all about choices. Every time we face a situation, any situation, we have a choice of how to respond.  That response can be a negative feeling one or a positive feeling one, and we have the ability to choose which one we want.

What choices are you making each day and in each situation?

For more information on how to move through fear, click here.

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During Ramadan Muslims participating in the holiday refrain from eating from morning until evening – in other words they fast each day. They also refrain from drinking and behavior that is in excess or ill-natured. For 30 days Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. More specifically, they are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam and to purify both thoughts and actions. The fast is intended to be an exacting act of deep personal worship in which Muslims seek a raised awareness of closeness to God as well as a purification of themselves personally.

Muslims are expected to put a lot more effort into the teaching of Islam in general–primarily into the worship of God, into their prayers and into purifying themselves. Yet, it’s just as important to be helpful to and caring of others, which is why they are extra charitable with their time and wealth during the month of Ramadan. It’s a time of reflection and a time of God consciousness and when Muslims give whatever they have and the best of what they have.

While observing these traditions during the month of Ramadan represents a Muslim tradition, the rituals and practices actually are pertinent to anyone from any religious or spiritual background–even Jews. In fact, many of these practices are similar in nature to Jewish practices during the Jewish High Holy Days. Here are five ways that people who don’t follow Islam can take this month-long religious observance and use its principles or practices in their own life.

1. Use the month-long spiritual observance idea. Anything you do for 30 or 40 days helps you develop a new habit. So, if you want to develop a new spiritual practice or to deepen your spiritual practice, doing something for 30 days will help you achieve that goal.
2. Review a sacred texts. Jews, Christians and Muslims do this. Jews read the whole Torah each year. Muslims read the whole Quran during Ramadan. Studying sacred texts is a great way to deepen connection to God, to your religion, and to learn about your spiritual and religious beliefs. Rereading these texts over and over again allows you to learn something knew each time. Each reading you see something knew, find a new teaching, get a new insight, read from a new perspective. So, the text speaks to you differently each time…God speaks to you differently each time.
3. Take on a practice related to charity or giving for 30 days on a daily basis. We could all use a reminder to be more charitable and giving; Ramadan offers that reminder. Actually giving charity or performing acts of giving time and energy on a regular basis, as in daily for thirty days is a great idea. Again, doing this for 30 or 40 days will make it a habit, will put it into your consciousness so you hardly think about it. Obligatory giving is an interesting concept…to do it because you are supposed to—not because it makes you feel good, because it’s the right thing to do, because you’ve been commanded to do so—not because you are going to get something. Islam also teaches that when you give you get…you will be rewarded. That’s another reason to give. Additionally, Islam teaches that giving deepens your faith in God and your belief that God provides–especially if you give even when you aren’t sure you have enough yourself.
4. Make time for personal introspection, prayer, review of your life, deeds, relationships, etc. This is a wonderful practice. It’s great to do it more than once a year. You can do it on the secular New Year, at the New Moon, on Ramadan, on the Sabbath, every Wednesday…or pick a month any month. Just pick a time and do it…Jews do it for 10 days. Muslims do it for a month, which seems like a long time. If you don’t think you can do it for that long, do it for a weekend. But do it.
5. Fasting if you are physically able. Many people do find this very cleansing on a spiritual level. Focus all your thoughts on spiritual things and not on the physical. Jews do it from sundown to sundown. It’s much easier to do from sunup to sundown like Muslims. Some people allow themselves water. Pick your method. But try it. You might find it quite cleansing and purifying. Many spiritual traditions use this ritual or practice.

I think any of these rituals or practices can be adapted to someone’s existing religious or spiritual tradition. Some of these may exist in your religious tradition already because they are fairly universal, but Islam gives a few of them a unique twist. In any case, we can see how much the Islamic observance of Ramadan (or almost any religious holiday) can teach and offer all of us.

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