Many of us get stuck in the past. By that I mean we end up living our life looking backward at things that happened in our lives and regretting them. Some call this “looking in the rear view mirror.” I call it living life looking backward.

Here’s the thing: No matter what bad thing happened in the past, no matter what we did or what someone else did or what events happened, they are over. We can hang onto the memory of the hurt, anxiety, pain, suffering, sorrow, or whatever other negative emotion we felt at the time, and we can continue to blame others or ourselves, but this does not help us in the moment. In fact, all it does is hurt us more. It holds us in the same old emotions and prevents us from moving forward, from living our lives looking toward the future. It keeps us stuck.

They say hindsight is 20-20, and that really is true. What we really are supposed to see when we look backward at our lives are the lessons we were supposed to learn and the paths we had to take to get to where we are now. For most of us, if we hadn’t learned those lessons and had those experiences we wouldn’t be who we are or where we are in this moment.

Maybe we don’t think those experiences have shaped us for the good, but they can if we learn and grow from them. That’s the point.

In Judaism, just as in most Abrahamic faiths, we study the Torah, or bible, over and over again. Why? To try to learn from our ancestor’s mistakes and experiences. In that way we won’t repeat them. Rabbis and ministers get up ever week and offer sermons about portions from the Old Testament trying to help us learn how to be better people, have fulfilling relationships, live our lives more fully, connect with God, and t be happier and more peaceful–all by looking at the lives and experiences of those who went before us.

It’s important to look backward, but not to beat ourselves up for what we have done. Rather we want to learn from our mistakes and study the paths and detours we have taken. Then we want to  live our lives looking forward toward the future allowing those lessons to guide us on our way. Looking in that direction our vision may not be 20-20 but we will, indeed, see more clearly for having looked backward to glean understanding.

I woke today at 5 a.m. in California worrying. “I should get up and check the news,” I thought. “I should be sure everything is okay in New York.”

Both my children are in New York. But I don’t like to focus on the negative.I try not to worry (although I’m a worrier and was born to a worrier. I learned well.)

“If something had happened, someone would have called,” I rationalized and went back to sleep.

I awoke four hours later to find nothing on the news but the memorial at Ground Zero. I cried through the remainder of it, glad I had not watched all of it. It was way too sad.

I went upstairs to my computer and left notes to both my children to be safe. They both replied. I silently gave thanks that my children were safe in their dorms.

I then texted a high school friend who used to work in the Twin Towers. Ten years ago he chose to go have breakfast with his son and go to work late. That choice saved his life. I told him how grateful I was that he was still in my life.

I posted a Facebook status. It ended this way:  “Today…gratitude…just gratitude…for kids who are safe if far away…for the beautiful place I live, for my family, for life.”

My husband and I took a bike ride along the ocean this afternoon. Nothing as large as 9-11 has happened in our lives, but things have changed. Life always brings us change, and just as the 9-11 memorial fountain represents life flowing and moving forward, we peddled forward. We looked at the waves, a constant. We looked at the coastline, so beautiful.

Despite the horrific events that happen in the world and in our lives, some things never change–and that we can depend upon, we can have faith in. There will always be beauty in the world. We will always have memories, and those memories, as we say in the Jewish tradition, of our loved ones who have passed, will always be for–and a–blessing. Those memories crash upon us like the ocean waves, shocking, cleansing, refreshing. Like the vast ocean, they remind us we are part of something greater, larger…and that’s a blessing, something for which we can feel grateful.

Gratitude. Today, that’s what I felt. For the first responders. For those who helped in anyway on 9-11. For those who called their loved ones before dying. For those who prevented the plane from making it to D.C. For  those willing to stand up and recite the names of those who died. For all the souls who passed on that day, and for the souls that helped them do so.

Gratitude.

I’ve been working really hard lately to change my negative thoughts into positive ones in a variety of areas in my life. I’m a firm believer in the creative nature of our thoughts and words.

Sometimes, however, I need inspiration as well–I need to be reminded that I need to keep persevering even when something feels difficult, when I’m experiencing rejected, when I feel alone, or when I perceive obstacles getting in my way. So, I thought I’d look for a video to inspire me that I could also post here to inspire others who might feel some area of their life was getting them down.

If you feel like something has happened in your life that has caused you to fall and it’s become difficult to get up and, therefore, to achieve your goal, watch this video.

Then get up. You can do it. And try again. You can do that to. You can achieve any goal if you set your mind to it. If this guy can do the things he does, you can, too.

Two days after the tremendous earthquake in Japan I was watching the news. I don’t actually watch the news that often, but I wanted to see what was happening in Japan and also how the tsunami had affected the California coastline. I had heard that Santa Cruz, just 20 minutes from where I live–had born a greater brunt of the tsunami than some other areas. I can see Santa Cruz and the coastline from my home in the Santa Cruz Mountains.

After the report on Japan,which was horrific, the reporter began to interview people in Santa Cruz. The damage there really was quite minor compared to Japan. A few overturned and submerged boats. Some damaged docks. Yet, I listed to people calling what had happened in Santa Cruz a “disaster.” They were talking about the loss of or damage to their boat as if it were a huge loss.

Taken 3/11/11, the top photo shows a tsunami flooding buildings in a street in Kesennuma, Mioyagi Prefecture, following the 8.9-magnitude earthquake that hit Japan. The bottom photo shows the same scene with buildings in the foreground washed away. (AP Photo/Kyodo News)

I sat open eyed and mouth agape. Had they not seen the pictures of houses floating away? Let’s see…house floating away compared to boat floating away? Which seems a bigger loss? Thousands of lives lost compared to a few docks and boats?  I have heard of just one death here in California–one person washed out to sea. I heard tell of a whole town washed out to sea in Japan.

So, let’s put things in perspective.

The ability to do that–to put what happens to us into perspective–is a lesson we can all use to learn and implement on a daily basis, not just when a disaster happens. When we feel upset that we don’t have enough money to pay all our bills or to purchase that new shirt we want we need only compare what’s in our bank account to what’s in the pocket of a homeless and jobless person sleeping on the street. When we complain about the ache in our back from working too hard or the pain in our shin from running to far we need only compare these ailments to the man at the corner who lost his leg (or legs) in an accident or the person in hospice care dying of cancer.

Everything is relative. Someone is always worse off than we are.

We need to put our own situation in perspective and feel gratitude for what we have or the situation in which we find ourselves–no matter how bad it seems. Yes, it may feel like your own personal disaster–and maybe it is a disaster. But compare it to something worse–like the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Is it still a disaster?

Indeed, what constitutes a disaster lies in the eyes of the beholder. As you behold what lies around you, consider if your disaster truly is a disaster by seeing beyond your immediate world.

Have you ever wondered why more people have a fear of public speaking than of dying? The reason is simple. They don’t want to be in the position Christina Aguilera found herself in yesterday as she sang the national anthem at the Super Bowl. In front of millions of people she messed up part of the ever-important national anthem, switching out the line “O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming” with her own creation of “What so proudly we watched, at the twilight’s last gleaming.” And people have been talking about it ever since.

Aguilera apologized, saying, “I can only hope that everyone could feel my love for this country and that the true spirit of its anthem still came through.” And she isn’t the only one to have ever forgotten the words or messed them up, by the way. Macy Gray and Mike Eli have done the same.

Her upcoming gigs have not been cancelled. Aguilera will apparently sing at the Grammys this Sunday alongside Jennifer Hudson. I’m sure she will walking in looking fabulous and carrying her head high.

So, what can we learn from Aguilera’s mistake? No…not that we should never get up and speak or sing in public. The world has continued spinning. In fact, Aguilera’s world has continued spinning.

So, here are the lessons:

1. Mistakes happen to the best of us. Usually someone else has made the same mistake. The moment is embarrassing, but it passes. Take a deep breath and wait…
2. Admit your mistake and apologize. Be honest and genuine. People will forgive you. We all make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world.
3. Roll with the punches. Good performers know how to cover their mistakes. Although everyone knew she had messed up the words to the national anthem, Aguilera didn’t stop mid-song and try to figure out the words she had forgotten. She kept singing. She made up some words. Or, if she simply sang the wrong words, she didn’t stop afterwards and say, “Oops. I made a mistake. Let me start again.” She just kept singing. That’s the sign of a pro.
4. Life goes on. People will talk. People love to gossip and discuss other people’s mistakes. It makes them feel better about themselves. It doesn’t make you less of who you are. Find a way to make even the bad situations into good ones. Keep moving forward. It won’t be long before everyone will forget what happened and things will return to normal.

When we get up and speak or sing–or do anything–in public mistakes happen. Be prepared for them. Know how to handle them like a pro. Then you won’t stop yourself from ever fulfilling your dreams of being a singer, speaker or leader.

Most of all, remember that we learn from our mistakes…and from the mistakes of others. Your public mistakes may be just what someone else needs to learn an  important lesson.

On Friday I took a walk in a nearby Christmas tree farm. Many people who live near to me walk there. It’s quite beautiful. I walked in the morning because in the afternoon the tree farm would be filled with people buying trees–or rather cutting down trees.

As I walked I looked at the trees. I noticed how many of them were actually new trees grown from the trunk of a tree that had been cut down by a happy Christmas tree shopper. Each time someone cuts a tree, a new tree sprouts from the stump. The same thing happens with the Redwoods that grow around my home. When the loggers came through the area, they cut many trees. Now new trees have grown out of those stumps. Additionally, baby trees grew in circles around the stumps, creating beautiful “cathedrals.”

Trees have an amazing resiliency. We can actually learn a lot from them. When something is cut or torn away from them–when they lose something essential, they simply grow it back. We tend to  focus on what we have lost rather than on how we can create something new to take it’s place or to replace in some way that vital element we need or miss. We would do better to focus our attention on discovering ways to survive without what we have lost and to create something new out of the loss.

Thinking about trees also reminds me of the huge loss of trees in Israel due to the raging wildfire in the Carmel Mountains. You can help put the fire out by donating to one of these two organizations.

As my daughter prepares to leave for college, she wavers between excitement about the new life she is starting and the old one she is ending—in particular the romantic relationship coming to a close. Smart enough to know better than to pursue a four month-old relationship bi-coastally as they both enter their freshman years in college, she still mourns the fact that she has to leave behind the best relationship she’s ever had as well as her best friend.

And I weep with her. Her pain is mine. And I can’t take this one away. Unlike a skinned knee, fever or headache, I can’t make this better. I can tell her why I think she is making the right decision and how she will eventually learn to live with it—and how hopefully she will find someone else and create an even better loving relationship—but none of this makes her feel any better.  The more she hurts, the more I hurt.

I remember her pain. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived it. It was long ago, but I remember well. I’d do anything to take it away. Yet, I wouldn’t have had her miss out on these four months, no matter how ill timed. Nor would she change that, give up that time, that experience.

So, I can only watch, listen, offer words of comfort and wisdom (knowing they help little), provide a shoulder upon which she can cry, and offer hugs when she wants them. And I can cry with her.

I can understand her anger. “I can yell at God,” she says, as she admits her anger does no good.

I wonder, too, at the seemly cruel timing of the relationship, but I must believe God has a plan. I must believe God has a reason—a positive one at that. And I hope God’s hand will reach out and comfort her in the weeks and months ahead when I cannot and her boyfriend cannot.  And may it be His will that she understand the reason for all of this sooner than later.

In the meantime, I suffer with her…a mother’s plight. And I try to help her see the positive, focus on the future, feel the excitement of all that lies ahead of her—her whole future.

What constitutes an act of God? Anything that isn’t caused by a human hand? If so, there’s a fine line between act of God or act of man in a mechanical failure, since the mechanical end, it could be argued was created by a human—or co-created between a human and God. However, whether or not that mechanical piece of equipment continues to work could, I suppose, be either an act of man—or a human failure—or an act of God.

I guess the people at Southwest Airlines have decided to see it as the latter—and conveniently so for their sake and not for the sake of humans—their passengers. Tucson’s most popular airline recently added “mechanical difficulties” to the list of acts of God and other events for which the carrier will not be liable if travel is delayed.

Mechanical difficulties now appears on a list of events, including wars, riots, storms, earthquakes and other acts of God “outside of (Southwest’s) control.” Other airlines are expected to follow suit, since the industry tend to keep a certain standard in its policies. It won’t be long before they all stop taking responsibility for their mechanical failures. They’ll simply blame the fact that their planes don’t work or their mechanical staff is inadequate on God. It’s God’s fault.

Hmmm. There’s something just not right about that, don’t you think? And if this becomes a trend in the airline industry, couldn’t it become a trend everywhere? Couldn’t every industry claim their product suddenly stopped working because of an act of God? Next, the auto industry will say their recalls aren’t something for which they need to feel responsible; it was an act of God, rather than a human error, that the part failed.

Then human’s will follow that example and decide abdicate responsibility as well, claiming God is responsible for any number of mistakes and errors that happen day to day. I can see it already.

It’s so easy for us to blame God for the bad things that happen to us or in the world. And it is true that God’s hand is at plan in the world and in our lives. However, to a large extent we are co-creators with God. Like any mechanical item, we have our own hands in the machine creating the workings. If the machine doesn’t work, we must take responsibility at least to some extent.

Sometimes, however, the machine stops working because of a greater plan. Destiny is at play or there is some reason we don’t understand why that machine must fail on that day at that particular moment. That’s God’s hand.

It’s a fine line between God’s hand and man’s hand. But we can’t stop taking responsibility just so we aren’t liable, like Southwest Airlines. There’s something totally wrong about that. That’s a bad example to set or to follow.

This video pretty much says it all…Human’s have a huge ability to survive even the worst situations–even concentration camps. Yet, many of us feel we can’t survive much less difficult situations in our lives. We need only look at the huge suicide rates in teens to know that this is true.

Here we have a Holocaust survivor and his grandchildren dancing to Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” at each Holocaust-related site they visit together. What a wonderful reminder that we can survive almost anything if we we have the desire to live. It’s also a reminder to celebrate life.

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