Have you ever had a time in your life when something just felt like a struggle? You thought you were on the right path, but obstacles just kept rising up in front of you and causing you to question if you were doing the right thing?

I had a time like this just this past month, which has been one reason I haven’t been posting much. Then I asked for a sign…and I received one.

I’ve been in New York City chaperoning my son, Julian, for a summer dance intensive. Prior to this, however, he was at the School of American Ballet (SAB), also in New York, for a five week chaperoned ballet intensive. At the end of the intensive,  Julian was accepted into SAB  for the winter term but they had no room in the dorm AND there was a possibility that the Professional Performing Arts School (PPAS), the public school he would attend, had no room for him in the senior class.

Julian, of course, wanted to attend. This was a huge opportunity that most ballet dancers would love to have offered to them. It’s also expensive any way you look at it–dorm or no dorm. (No dorm means the need for an apartment.) It also meant changing schools his senior year–if there was a school for him to attend; with no school, he’d be looking at finishing his high school degree on line (not a great choice). And for me it meant the possibility of picking up and moving to NYC for a year to chaperone him, since he couldn’t be in the dorm–and Julian, my husband and me living in a one bedroom apartment. Blech.

I got a call from PPAS telling me there was, indeed, no room in the senior class for Julian.

I looked at some very dismal one-bedroom apartments in the $2000 or under range. Some were smaller than the loft we were staying in. Some were dingy and dirty. Some were a five-floor walk up (with computer, groceries, dance bag…).

When I was just about to give up and say, “This is just too difficult. It must not be meant to be,” I turned it over to Something Bigger Than Me. A Higher Power. I asked my angels, guides and God to show me that Julian was supposed to be in New York and attend SAB and PPAS. “If it’s meant to be, show me the way. Give me a sign. Make it easy,” I said.

That was on August 11th.

On August 12th, in the morning, I got a call from SAB’s registrar. “I’ve got good news for you,” she said. “Julian has a spot in the dorm if he wants it.” It seems they had decided to squeeze three boys into a two-person room.

“That’s great!” I replied. “Let me tell my husband and Julian!”

I did just that. And while Julian was talking to my husband, Ron, on his own cell phone , my cell phone rang. It was the parent liaison from PPAS. “I’ve got great news for you,” she said. “I just spoke with my principal and we have a spot for Julian in the senior class.”

“That’s wonderful,” I replied.  “Don’t give it away!”

A sign…clear and simple.

A miracle? I guess you could call it that.

It’s amazing what happens when you ask and then stay open to really receiving and seeing or hearing the signs.

Today we signed the papers, paid the money (Ouch.) and registered my son for a year in New York City. I’ll miss him, but I feel fairly certain this is the right move for him.

How often do you ask God, a Higher Power, your angels or guides, for a sign or for guidance? And have you received signs when you did?

More often than not when we wonder what we should do or what decision we should make, we receive signs that help us make these decisions. Unfortunately, many of us aren’t looking for them and, therefore, we don’t see them. I know I’m at fault of not opening my eyes and noticing them.

That’s why we end up going for Tarot and psychic readings. We want someone else to show us the signs.

Recently I made  decision to focus more intently on my writing. Yes, I’ll continue working as an editor, but I want to do what I do best and write. I also want to finish the many books I’ve started and not finished as I’ve helped others write and publish their books.

I started thinking about a book I own, called Damn! Why Didn’t I Write That? by Marc McCutcheon. I remember reading it and feeling amazed at how many books the author had written. I felt the same way two weekends ago when I had the honor of spending two days with self-publishing guru Dan Poynter, author of How to Write Nonfiction and over 100 other books. I know I have at least 10 books in me.

Then it struck me. Two years ago at the San Francisco Writer’s Conference I won a copy of Damn! Why Didn’t I Write That? I gave it away saying, “I never win anything, and the one time I do it’s something I already own.” In retrospect, I see the sign. The subtitle on that book reads “How Ordinary People are Raking in $100,00.00 or More Writig Nonfiction Books and How You Can Too!”

And here I am two years later trying to figure out how to make money with my writing…me with my journalism degree and tons of knowledge about how to write and publish books.

The day I decided to focus on my writing, I sold one of my e-books off my website. Dan Poynter had just told me to convert my e-books into a format that would make them accessible to all e-book readers–so I could make more money with them by selling more copies. Think it was a sign?

I wasn’t sure if I should go to a bi-annual Jewish conference; I haven’t missed it in years. I turned in a proposal to teach, just as I have every two years. They accepted my proposal–early no less. A sign that I should go–despite the cost? I took it as such. And the program they asked me to teach is the subject of one  of the books I most want to write and publish. A sign? Hmmm. And I could write and self-publish the book, which exists in short form now, in time for the conference. A sign that I should work on that book? Someone contacted me recently asking if there were any updates to that book? Interesting…

I have a lot of book projects, I’ve been struggling with which one to take on first. I have an agent peddling a few, but this one I just mentioned has been tabled. Should I take it on by myself?

A friend told me how she self-published a very similar book–and sold 50,000 copies. A message to me? Maybe.

We tend to wait for big signs…God’s booming voice, lightning bolts and books falling off shelves. The signs tend to be small.

We can’t always see or feel God’s hand leading us through life, but it’s there all the same.

Do you see the signs in your life?

Trust is an interesting thing. Once it’s gone, it’s very difficult to regain. If you lose it, it’s difficult to find.

When you stop trusting someone-for whatever reason, you tend to put up a wall to protect yourself…or at least I do. Then I have to really work at letting them back in. They have to tear down the wall little by little. Or I have to open a door in the wall.

Sometimes, however, I find that if I open it even a crack…just to see what will happen…I’m given another reason not to trust. So I slam it closed again. (Sometimes that isn’t the case…)

The biggest problem with this issue of trust (of lack of trust) comes with the fact that it’s lonely on the other side of the wall all by myself. I’d love to throw a key over and make it easier for the other person to get in-sort of give them a “key” to what they have to do to regain my trust and open the door. Yet, I’m afraid to do that. So, I’m stuck alone and closed off.

Additionally, the wall tends to push against me, making me feel claustrophobic as it keeps my feelings and words and thoughts inside. I’m afraid to let them out. So, I can’t really be free…free to be me…to express myself.

Yet, for the most part, I’m a very trusting person. Until I’m given enough reasons…repeated reasons…not to trust. Why is it that I often can trust those I hardly know, but I sometimes find it hard to trust people I love the most? Maybe because those I care about most – love the most – have the greatest capacity to hurt me and to cause me to lose trust in them?

This is a short post to say that I will be away for the next five days in Columbus, OH, at the Aleph kallah. I hope I’ll see some of you there! (If you want to attend, mention my name and you’ll get $75 off!). I’m also writing to tell everyone to trust. Why? Because we teach what we need most to learn.

I’ve been in New York City for the last two weeks with my son while he attend the American Ballet Theatre summer intensive. Last week he was exhausted and dehydrated. So, I’m worried about leaving him with someone else this week. I need to trust that he will be okay. I need to place him in God’s hands and trust that all will be well. I need to trust that there is good reason for me to go to the kallah. This year I even have a sponsor paying for me to be there, so I have to trust that there is a reason for that as well.

So, today, this short post is about trusting…in God…in a plan…in the fact that it is all working out as it is supposed to…that all is well…that all will be well. Just trust.

I consider myself very trusting…possibly to a fault. Some might call me gullible.

Maybe this is because of the high degree of trust I try to achieve in God, in “destiny,” in things working out they way they are supposed to, in a Divine Hand in life. And I like to trust people, too, to see the good in them rather than the bad.

However, this week my trusting nature was called into question. Or maybe it was put to the test. And I really didn’t like it at all. And it made me question my ability to judge a situation or a person’s intent, which made me very uncomfortable. Plus, I really hated not trusting another person. I felt almost guilty for feeling that way, although I might have had good reason.

You see, I’ve been trying to find an apartment in New York City to sublet or rent for seven weeks this summer while my son attends the American Ballet Theatre summer intensive. (He auditioned in San Francisco and was accepted with a scholarship. I just have to brag a little…) This, however, meant him giving up his last summer at Jewish camp, much to his real dismay, and me giving up going to the Aleph Kallah (much to my dismay) so I could chaperon him in New York. All this to say that finding an apartment in Manhattan when you live in California is not so easy…especially when you are on a budget.

The budget part meant that we were looking for the cheapest apartment possible. We found a pretty decently priced apartment being sublet by a lovely women, and we thought we might take that. However, we were also looking at several other apartments that were much cheaper. Surprisingly cheap, actually. And these low prices eventually caused my husband and I to question whether or not the whole deal was a scam to take our money and run. We had visions of my son and I arriving in New York having paid for an apartment but with no apartment waiting for us.

With one “landlord” in particular, I spent several days and many hours trying to verify who he was and if he was reputable. He gave me references who wrote back to me using the same broken English he did. When I asked if I could send a friend to see the apartment, he said he was going to Hawaii and didn’t like all my questions. Hmmm.

That caused me to wonder about another landlord who refused to tell me anything else about herself other than that she owned the unit she was renting. She might have been fine – upright, legitimate, honest, but I seriously considered if she was just the opposite. I began to think taking her apartment, which was extremely convenient as well as cheap, was a big mistake as well.

All the while my mistrust grew. And I felt worse and worse.

Needless to say, I’ve decided to rent the more expensive apartment with the woman I can find on LinkedIn and who has been open and forthcoming with me about herself and her apartment. But the whole experience made me really wonder about what seems to be a fine line between trusting and not trusting.

It doesn’t feel good not to trust, yet you must have some degree of, lets say, discernment about people, especially in business dealings. Yet, seeing the good in people brings out the good in people, I believe.

And trust is imperative in manifesting what you want in your life. You must trust that it is coming to you already. And if it doesn’t arrive, you must trust that there is a good reason that it hasn’t; you must trust that something better is on its way instead.

And I feel you must trust that God has a hand in your life, otherwise it might feel too difficult to deal with some of the things that happen. I believe that trusting it is all working out for the best is the most elegant, if you way, way to get through life.

And maybe that’s why I took the apartment with this woman as well. Everything seemed to point towards subletting from her. The other deals felt shady. My intuition said, “You thought her place was perfect. Trust that it is.”

And she’s a musician and involved in theater. A good connection, I think…My daughter wants to work in the theater business as a costume designer. And her apartment is in the Village. No view of the New York skyline, but seven weeks of living in the heart of the artsy fartsy part of Manhattan – just where I belong with all the other writers. (And she talked about sitting in a particular chair in her apartment by a window and writing. How much nicer will that be for me than in some high-rise building, right?) And instead of a cold apartment with no homey touches, we’ll have her actual home opened to us. What really could be better?

So, I’m trusting. And I’m trusting that my intuition was right about the other so-called landlords as well. Maybe that’s less about mistrusting them than it is about trusting my gut instincts, my intuition. And there’s the lesson. We must also trust our intuition. More often than not, we know…We just have to trust that we know.