As the Spirit Moves Me

I didn’t mind when my children went off to school. I was happy for the free time, time for myself to do the things I wanted to do.

I missed my children when they went off to camp, even shed a brief tear, but always felt happy for them and for myself. They would have a fun experience and I would have a small “vacation.”

I’ve talked about my daughter going off to college for a year or more now. I’ve been excited for her. I know she’s ready for college…more ready than most kids her age. Yet, now that the time has come to say goodbye to her, I’m not ready.

How can that be? After all these years when I’ve allowed my kids–even pushed my kids and encouraged my kids–to be independent and enjoyed their independence with them, I’m not ready for her to be quite so independent. I’m the one who always says it’s the mark of a good parent when I child is raised to be independent. That’s what you want, not some 18 year old (or even a 12 year old) who is tied to his or her mother’s apron strings. But what if I’m tied to hers?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a mother with nothing to do once my nest has been emptied of chicks (pardon the mixed metaphors). I can easily fill my time. I just didn’t realize how empty it would feel with even one chick having let the nest.

Yes, I’ll miss my daughter. She’s a quite one, but the house will be much quieter without her. And I must figure out how to cut the apron string, how to stay in the nest while she spreads her wings and flies.

And maybe that’s the trick…Each time a chick leaves the nest the mother bird must spread her wings a bit wider as well, not just so her reach is longer but so she can test her strength and her ability for new doing new things as well.

August 24th, 2010 | Tags: empty nest, mother/daughter relationship, Parenting | Category: Parenting, change, life, moving through fear, relationship | Leave a comment

Over the last two weeks I’ve spent a lot of time with my daughter preparing her for college  and helping her deal with leaving behind a boyfriend she cares about deeply. These two teens maturely choose to end the relationship to allow each other freedom while they live on opposite coasts and experience life in college. I’ve also been helping my son figure out where he will continue his dance training this year, and I’ve been listening to his pain over a summer relationship that ended in much the same way as my daughter’s only his girlfriend has very quickly moved on to a new boyfriend.

In the midst of this, I’m struggling to acclimate myself into my own life and marriage after almost two months way with my son. I’m also attempting to find meaning and purpose in all that I do as I find that I have lost myself and much of what has made me feel passionate and happy over the years.

Midlife crisis? Maybe. Possibly just a reality check.

The emptiness I have been feeling was driven home as I watched my children so filled with emotion–sadness, fear, excitement, sorrow. They are leaving things behind and staring anew. They have their lives stretched ahead of them. They are growing and changing. So much awaits them.

As I cried with them, felt their pain and sorrow, trembled at their fear, I realized their emotions resonated so much with me because I wanted to feel as passionately…about anything….about something…about someone.

I haven’t read or seen Eat, Love, Pray, but I recently saw the movie trailer. I cried my way through that, too. I realized I must go at least see the movie. (I won’t give myself the task of buying another book I have no time to read…) I am that woman…well, maybe not in all ways, but in many. No wonder the book was such a big hit; how many women related to the story?

This week I got out my Tony Robbins 30-day tape series once again. I’ve never once finished it. I only completed one tape this week, but I’ll plug away at it and allow him to try and motivate me to change. On that first day, I swore I’d exercise more; I only managed one day. I will do two next week at least, and even one day is better than none. I promised myself I’d write more often (on my books), and I didn’t manage to do so even once…but I will! I will.I started reading Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, which has been on my shelf for years. Maybe her questions will help me stop struggling. I also put one of the spiritual books I started a while ago on my nightstand…

The Jewish High Holy Days are fast approaching. This is a good time for introspection and considering how to improve oneself and one’s life as well. The energy of change is in the air in the autumn. It’s time to turn over a new life and to turn back–to return–to your true self, your best self. That’s what I need. I’ve almost forgotten who she is.

I may not follow through with all of these new “programs”; of course, I have too many and not enough time for them all. Maybe one of them will inspire me…or even two. Maybe something will stick and help me create some change or spark a bit of passion within.

Change comes little by little. It’s a process. But when we realize it’s time to make a change, we must follow the call. We must DO something to help it along, to fan the fire so it doesn’t smolder and go out.

I see the changes in my children’s lives–even the painful ones. I’m willing to even feel pain, but change must come. And change always begins within. The time has come.

Has it come for you?

August 20th, 2010 | Tags: creating change, feeling empty, Hgh Holy Days, lessons learned | Category: Days of Awe, Jewish holidays, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, creating change, how to be happy, living fully, living life fully, new year, personal growth | Leave a comment

Be not like a fly seeking sore spots.
Cover up your neighbor’s flaws, and reveal them not to the world.

This saying, which comes from a traditional Jewish ethical text, always conjures up somewhat nasty images in my head of wounds covered with flies. Yet, it’s a potent image–and effective.

I try to remember this advice in two types of situations: when I am focused on someone’s flaws rather than their positive attributes and when I am inclined to say negative things about someone or something to others.

In the first case, focusing on someone’s flaws only makes us see more flaws. This never helps a relationship. It’s best to try and focus on the positive when we find ourselves in the downwards spiral of negativity.

In the second case, speaking poorly of anyone or anything tends to come back to haunt us. It’s best to simply speak well of others or to not speak about them at all.

Interestingly, human nature seems to pull us towards negative speech and to focus on the negative qualities of others—especially when a relationship is going sour. And this holds true for all types of relationships—romantic, business, etc.

I wonder why that is, why we have such a need or desire to focus on the negative in others and to speak about it, to broadcast it to the world. The most obvious answer is that this makes us feel better about ourselves—less flawed. Another answer is that other people’s flaws mirror our own, so we point out theirs rather than look at ourselves in the mirror; we avoid our own reflection by only seeing them.

Whatever the reason, it’s best to remember not to seek out sore spots. Even if you can’t stop focusing on someone’s flaws (Of course, keep trying!), do them a favor and at least don’t “reveal them to the world.” Take a good look at yourself—in them—and imagine how you would feel if someone uncovered rather than covered up your flaws.

August 18th, 2010 | Tags: Jewish ethical text, lashon hara, mirroring, reflection, speaking ill of others | Category: Speech, consciousness, seeing the good | Comments (1)

I know the uselessness of anger. I know the damage it causes both emotionally and physically. Yet, sometimes anger proves the most difficult emotion to change. Once it comes over me, it feels like it attaches itself to me like a vice with no removal mechanism. I’m left to watch the negative results set forth in my life by this emotion.

Judaism teaches that we should avoid anger at all costs. In all the spiritual and metaphysical circles I have traveled, the same holds true. We are taught  that as a negative emotion, anger just begets negative results in our lives and in the world around us. We don’t help ourselves or anyone else when we feel or express anger.

Rebbe Nachman of Breslov taught that anger stirs up negative energies in the upper worlds who come down and take charge of the angry person. In the process, the person loses his wisdom and power and places himself at the mercy of these negative forces. Additionally, anger causes a person to lose wealth. (So, don’t get angry over your financial situation or it will get worse!) Feeling angry actually causes  the blessing of wealth to be taken away and causes a “stain” on your soul, said Rebbe Nachman.

So, how do we change our anger and the conditions that come with it? According to the great Rebbe, we must love. We must be kind to others, thus drawing on the energy of the righteous and positive energies in the upper worlds. By doing so, we will see that the real reason we are here in this world is to do good–to give. Our understanding and wisdom will increase, making it harder for us to feel angry. Through this increased wisdom, the emotion of love increases and we create less space for anger; we will feel more peaceful.

We also can learn to not act upon our anger, holding it in and being patient and understanding, said Rebbe Nachman. This, supposedly brings blessing upon us. Indeed, in this way we actually help create a world in which the Messiah can exist, thus helping to herald in the World to Come, or peace on Earth–a world with no anger.

Today I felt very angry. Reviewing Rebbe Nachman’s teachings about anger helped me let go of that anger to some extent. I’ll be working on releasing this negative emotion through love and kindness the rest of the day, I’m sure. I might try some exercise as well. Rebbe Nachman suggests fasting as well, actually stating that ridding yourself of anger provides the main value of a fast; I choose not to fast, however. What do you do to get rid  of your anger?

August 13th, 2010 | Tags: achieving wealth, anger, blessing your soul, negative emotions, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov | Category: Rebbe Nachman, blessing, how to be happy, positive thinking, self-help methods | Comments (3)

As my daughter prepares to leave for college, she wavers between excitement about the new life she is starting and the old one she is ending—in particular the romantic relationship coming to a close. Smart enough to know better than to pursue a four month-old relationship bi-coastally as they both enter their freshman years in college, she still mourns the fact that she has to leave behind the best relationship she’s ever had as well as her best friend.

And I weep with her. Her pain is mine. And I can’t take this one away. Unlike a skinned knee, fever or headache, I can’t make this better. I can tell her why I think she is making the right decision and how she will eventually learn to live with it—and how hopefully she will find someone else and create an even better loving relationship—but none of this makes her feel any better.  The more she hurts, the more I hurt.

I remember her pain. I’ve felt it. I’ve lived it. It was long ago, but I remember well. I’d do anything to take it away. Yet, I wouldn’t have had her miss out on these four months, no matter how ill timed. Nor would she change that, give up that time, that experience.

So, I can only watch, listen, offer words of comfort and wisdom (knowing they help little), provide a shoulder upon which she can cry, and offer hugs when she wants them. And I can cry with her.

I can understand her anger. “I can yell at God,” she says, as she admits her anger does no good.

I wonder, too, at the seemly cruel timing of the relationship, but I must believe God has a plan. I must believe God has a reason—a positive one at that. And I hope God’s hand will reach out and comfort her in the weeks and months ahead when I cannot and her boyfriend cannot.  And may it be His will that she understand the reason for all of this sooner than later.

In the meantime, I suffer with her…a mother’s plight. And I try to help her see the positive, focus on the future, feel the excitement of all that lies ahead of her—her whole future.

August 12th, 2010 | Tags: ending a relationship, entering college, God's hand, mother daughter relationship | Category: God's hand, change, how to be happy, life, not knowing, relationship, when bad things happen | Leave a comment

Have you ever noticed that life seems to consist of one phase after another? These are marked by certain periods of time with certain characteristics. Maybe you fill your time with particular activities, are involved with particular people, or feel overwhelmed by particular emotions.  Maybe your deal with an illness, a death, a lost love, a new love affair, a new job, unemployment, a relocations, a birth…

It’s easy to miss these phases if we don’t pay attention. It’s easy to see them in retrospect. When we look backwards we can construct a timeline with all the phases of our life. In the moment, we may not realize we have been living in a phase, a period. When it ends, though, we may feel it distinctly.

I feel I am ending a phase and beginning a new one. As I write this I’m on my way back from New York City after seven weeks with my son. He was attending a dance program there and I was working and chaperoning. I’m heading home to spend a few weeks with my daughter before she heads off to college. Not only is my New York City summer phase ending, my daughter-at-home stage is ending.

Plus, I’m almost six months into my 50^th year of life. I feel change reverberating through me. I feel it settling in. I feel myself re-evaluating, figuring out what this next period of my life should look like. I feel the effort I’ve been making on the work front possibly paying off. I feel myself getting ready…for what?

We change over time. Sometimes we lose ourselves. We get lost in our phases. Then we have to uncover ourselves, find ourselves again. Discover ourselves, discover our phases. Sometimes we find ourselves in our phases.

No matter what, life provides us with one phase after another, one melding one into the other or distinctly following another. Can you identify the phase you are in?

August 9th, 2010 | Tags: finding yourself, life phases, losing yourself, periods of time, phases | Category: life | Leave a comment

I once participated in a ropes course where I was asked to climb tall poles, walk across a wire strung between two tall trees (another narrow bridge…), and repel down a cliff.  I had always thought myself afraid of heights, so performing these feats seemed unimaginable to me.  However, I did almost all of them.

Slowly, slowly I made my way to the top of the pole, the first exercise, and then navigated my way onto a little metal platform where I then stood like the ornament on a totem pole.  I remember the fear I felt as I climbed and the terror I felt when trying to get my feet onto that platform and then raise my body to a standing position.  Once I was standing there so high above the ground, however, I discovered that I really was not that afraid of heights.  In fact, being up there was an exhilarating experience.  Not only had I overcome my fear of heights, I felt great that I had accomplished the climb – which is not to say that it wasn’t still scary standing there atop that pole but the fear felt less like fear and more like awe.  I was in awe of myself and in awe of the experience itself.

I could have given in to my fear and never even tried to climb the pole.  I could have stood there and trembled.  I could have been too scared to come down. Instead I choose to climb despite my fear and to look upon the experience with awe and a sense of tremendous accomplishment.

Ropes courses are all about learning how you react to life on a daily basis.  While we don’t usually have to climb a tall pole in our normal life, we are often faced with obstacles or situations that bring up our feelings of fear.  In these situations, we have the same choices – climb or don’t climb, feel fear or feel awe, feel defeated or feel determined to accomplish the goal.

Life is all about choices. Every time we face a situation, any situation, we have a choice of how to respond.  That response can be a negative feeling one or a positive feeling one, and we have the ability to choose which one we want.

What choices are you making each day and in each situation?

For more information on how to move through fear, click here.

August 4th, 2010 | Tags: choices, moving through fear, negative emotions, ropes course | Category: achieving success, human potential, living fully, moving through fear, narrow bridge, personal growth | Leave a comment

Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, usually falling near the end of summer. Based on a lunar calendar, the dates of Ramadan vary, moving backwards about ten days each year. This year Ramadan begins on August 11th and continue for 30 days until September 9th. In North America, it begins on August 12th. The holiday’s start depends upon “sightability” of the new moon.

During Ramadan Muslims participating in the holiday refrain from eating from morning until evening – in other words they fast each day. They also refrain from drinking and behavior that is in excess or ill-natured. For 30 days Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. More specifically, they are expected to put more effort into following the teachings of Islam and to purify both thoughts and actions. The fast is intended to be an exacting act of deep personal worship in which Muslims seek a raised awareness of closeness to God as well as a purification of themselves personally.

Muslims are expected to put a lot more effort into the teaching of Islam in general–primarily into the worship of God, into their prayers and into purifying themselves. Yet, it’s just as important to be helpful to and caring of others, which is why they are extra charitable with their time and wealth during the month of Ramadan. It’s a time of reflection and a time of God consciousness and when Muslims give whatever they have and the best of what they have.

While observing these traditions during the month of Ramadan represents a Muslim tradition, the rituals and practices actually are pertinent to anyone from any religious or spiritual background–even Jews. In fact, many of these practices are similar in nature to Jewish practices during the Jewish High Holy Days. Here are five ways that people who don’t follow Islam can take this month-long religious observance and use its principles or practices in their own life.

1. Use the month-long spiritual observance idea. Anything you do for 30 or 40 days helps you develop a new habit. So, if you want to develop a new spiritual practice or to deepen your spiritual practice, doing something for 30 days will help you achieve that goal.
2. Review a sacred texts. Jews, Christians and Muslims do this. Jews read the whole Torah each year. Muslims read the whole Quran during Ramadan. Studying sacred texts is a great way to deepen connection to God, to your religion, and to learn about your spiritual and religious beliefs. Rereading these texts over and over again allows you to learn something knew each time. Each reading you see something knew, find a new teaching, get a new insight, read from a new perspective. So, the text speaks to you differently each time…God speaks to you differently each time.
3. Take on a practice related to charity or giving for 30 days on a daily basis. We could all use a reminder to be more charitable and giving; Ramadan offers that reminder. Actually giving charity or performing acts of giving time and energy on a regular basis, as in daily for thirty days is a great idea. Again, doing this for 30 or 40 days will make it a habit, will put it into your consciousness so you hardly think about it. Obligatory giving is an interesting concept…to do it because you are supposed to—not because it makes you feel good, because it’s the right thing to do, because you’ve been commanded to do so—not because you are going to get something. Islam also teaches that when you give you get…you will be rewarded. That’s another reason to give. Additionally, Islam teaches that giving deepens your faith in God and your belief that God provides–especially if you give even when you aren’t sure you have enough yourself.
4. Make time for personal introspection, prayer, review of your life, deeds, relationships, etc. This is a wonderful practice. It’s great to do it more than once a year. You can do it on the secular New Year, at the New Moon, on Ramadan, on the Sabbath, every Wednesday…or pick a month any month. Just pick a time and do it…Jews do it for 10 days. Muslims do it for a month, which seems like a long time. If you don’t think you can do it for that long, do it for a weekend. But do it.
5. Fasting if you are physically able. Many people do find this very cleansing on a spiritual level. Focus all your thoughts on spiritual things and not on the physical. Jews do it from sundown to sundown. It’s much easier to do from sunup to sundown like Muslims. Some people allow themselves water. Pick your method. But try it. You might find it quite cleansing and purifying. Many spiritual traditions use this ritual or practice.

I think any of these rituals or practices can be adapted to someone’s existing religious or spiritual tradition. Some of these may exist in your religious tradition already because they are fairly universal, but Islam gives a few of them a unique twist. In any case, we can see how much the Islamic observance of Ramadan (or almost any religious holiday) can teach and offer all of us.

August 2nd, 2010 | Tags: practical spirituality, Ramadan, religious practice, spiritual practice | Category: Making holidays meaning-full and spirit-full, practical spirituality, religious practice, ritual, spiritual practice | Leave a comment

Much of the time, we are consumed with desires. We want to have something different than what we now have. We want to be something different than what we now are. We want to go somewhere different than where we now exist.

Although God created us in such a way that it is natural for us to have strong desire, it’s also important for us to learn to accept where we are and what we have in this moment. We have to learn to have desires and also be in the moment—and feel okay in the moment. If we are constantly longing for something else, this causes us to “future” in a negative way. We constantly creatively vision about the future and create negative thoughts and feelings that go with those visions because we don’t have what we desire.

Thus, we must learn feel good about our desires and then to move into acceptance. We must feel “okay” with where we are and with what we have despite the fact that we possess as yet unfulfilled desires.

If we remember that God is in the moment—not in our futuring and dreaming and visioning. That’s why creation happens in the moment. We create our desires in the moment. Knowing this helps us learn acceptance.

Simply be with God in the moment and know that as you connect with God and feel good about that connection, your desires are being fulfilled. Let God know about your desires and then let them go: Let go and let God.

July 30th, 2010 | Tags: conscious creation, desires, Kabbalah, manifestation, present moment | Category: Desire, Kabbalah of Conscious Creation, Receiving, conscious creation, creative thought, creative visualization, visioning | Leave a comment